MATILDA
PROLOGUE
AMANDA: I have to pick a book to read.
LAVENDER: Oh, you should read MATILDA!
HORTENSIA: Yes, you’ll love it!
SAMANTHA: I couldn’t put it down!
AMANDA: What’s it about?
LAVENDER: Matilda is a little girl with astonishing wit, intelligence and psychokinetic powers.
AMANDA: WHAT?!...
HORTENSIA: You must explain.
LAVENDER: OK, she can move things.
SAMANTHA: Hold on! You’re giving away the good part.
HORTENSIA: Only one of the good parts!
LAVENDER: Will you two let me finish! She's unloved by her cruel parents but impresses her school teacher, the highly loveable Miss Honey.
HORTENSIA: She’s the best teacher ever. During the first term at school, Matilda and Miss Honey have an enormous effect on each other's lives. Miss Honey begins to recognize and appreciate Matilda's extraordinary personality.
SAMANTHA: Yes but Matilda's school life isn't completely smooth sailing. The school's mean headmistress, Miss Trunchbull, hates children and just loves thinking up new punishments for those who break her rules.
LAVENDER: Matilda has courage...
HORTENSIA: ...and cleverness…
SAMANTHA: She, could be the pupil to save the school!
AMANDA: OK, sounds interesting! I'm going to read this book.
LAVENDER: Or, watch the show!
SCENE 1: BOOKWORM
LAVENDER: Everyone is born, but not everyone is born the same. Some will grow to be butchers, or bakers or candlestick makers. Every human being is unique. Most parents believe their children are the most beautiful creatures ever to grace the planet. Others take a less emotional approach.
HORTENSIA: Harry and Zinnia Wormwood lived in a very nice neighbourhood in a very nice house, but they were not very nice people. The Wormwoods were so wrapped up in their own silly lives, that they barely noticed they had a daughter. If they had paid attention to her, they would have realized she was a rather extraordinary child. Their daughter was called Matilda.
LAVENDER: By the time she was four, Matilda had read every magazine in the house. One night she plucked up the courage to ask her father for something that she desperately wanted.
HARRY:A book? What do you want a book for?
MATILDA: To read.
HARRY: To read? Why would you want to read when you've got the television set right in front of you? There's nothing you can get from a book that you can't get from a television faster.
AMANDA: Matilda already knew that she was somewhat different from her family. She knew that whatever she needed in this world, she'd have to get herself.
SCENE 2: SCHOOL
LAVENDER: Matilda had always wanted to go to school because she loved to learn. She imagined that her new school would be a lovely building surrounded by trees, flowers and swings. Crunchem Hall was not a lovely building but it did have children, so she was happy to be there.
Trunchbull: YOU, detention!
You're too small. Grow up quicker.
Heads up. Shoulders back. Stomachs in. STAND UP STRAIGHT!
MATILDA: Is that my teacher?
LAVENDER: No. That's the principal, Miss Trunchbull.
MATILDA: You've got to be kidding!
HORTENSIA: You squirts better skedaddle. I'm not kidding.
MATILDA: I'm Matilda.
LAVENDER: Lavender.
HORTENSIA: I'm Hortensia.
MATILDA: She doesn't really hit children with that riding crop, does she?
HORTENSIA: No. It's mostly for a scare. What she does is worse. Trunchbull makes a weekly visit to every classroom, to show the teachers how to handle kids.
SAMANTHA: Yesterday, Julius ate two M&Ms during her lesson.
MATILDA: And she caught him?
SAMANTHA: Of course!
MATILDA: Was Julius, okay?
SAMANTHA: After being thrown across the room? Of course, he wasn't okay. He lived if that's what you mean.
LAVENDER: The Trunchbull used to be in the Olympics: Shot put, javelin, hammer throw. The hammer throw was her specialty.
MATILDA: So she does this all the time?
SAMANTHA: Better than being put in "THE CHOKE".
MATILDA: The Choke?
HORTENSIA: Yeah, “THE CHOKE”. It's a tall, narrow, hole in a wall behind a door. You have to stand in the drippy pipes with jagged edges, and the walls have broken glasses with nails sticking out.
😴
MATILDA: She puts kids in "THE CHOKE"?
HORTENSIA: I've been in there twice. Sometimes she leaves you in there all day.
MATILDA: Didn't you tell your parents?
HORTENSIA: They didn't believe me. I mean, would your parents believe it?!?
T-BULL: Sixty lines - "I must obey Miss Trunchbull." …. Out of my way!
MATILDA: Here she comes.
T-BULL: Amanda! WHAT ARE THOSE?!?
AMANDA: What's what, Miss Trunchbull?
T-BULL: Hanging down by your ears.
AMANDA: You mean my pigtails?
T-BULL: Are you a pig, Amanda?!?
AMANDA: No, Miss Trunchbull.
T-BULL: Do I allow pigs in my school?
AMANDA: My mommy thinks they're sweet.
T-BULL: Your mommy is a TWIT. You'll chop those off before school tomorrow or I'll…
AMANDA: But I don't...
TRUNCHBULL: Did you say 'BUT'?!
HORTENSIA: Hammerthrow…..
LAVENDER: Definitely.
T-BULL: I'll give you, "But"!
LAVENDER: Think she's going to make it?
HORTENSIA: It’s going to be a close one.
T-BULL: QUIET! Get to class before I throw you all in the Chokey!
SCENE 3: HONEY
MATILDA: Lavender, what's my teacher like?
SAMANTHA: Matilda's teacher, Miss Honey, was one of those remarkable people who appreciate every single child for who they are.
HONEY: Listen up, everyone. We have a new student with us today. This is Matilda Wormwood. I'd like you to sit over here with Lavender. Now, you all remember how scary your first days at school were, so I'd like you to be especially nice to Matilda and make her feel welcome. Lavender, could you get her workbook for her, please?
LAVENDER: Yes Miss Honey (gives the notebook to Matilda).
MATILDA: Thank you!
LAVENDER: You’re welcome.
SAMANTHA: Miss Honey was a wonderful teacher and a friend to everyone. But her life was not as simple and beautiful as it seemed. Miss Honey had a deep, dark secret. And though it caused her great pain, she didn't let it interfere with her teaching.
HONEY: Well, Matilda. You've come on a very good day because we're going to review everything we've learned so far. Now, it's alright if you don't understand any of this because you're new. If you do know an answer, just raise your hand. Okay, now we've been working on our two-times tables. Would anyone like to demonstrate?
😴
HONEY: Okay. Two times four is .........?
MATILDA: 8
HONEY: Two times six is …….?
LAVENDER: 12
HONEY: Two times nine is ….?
HORTENSIA: 18
HONEY: Excellent. You've been practicing. Pretty soon you'll be able to do any multiplication, whether it's two times 7 or 13 times 379.
MATILDA: Four thousand nine hundred and twenty seven.
HONEY: I beg your pardon?
MATILDA: I think that's the answer. 13 times 379. Four nine two seven.
HONEY: It is! Matilda, you know how to multiply big numbers?
LAVENDER: WOW!
MATILDA: I read this book last year in mathematics at the library.
HONEY: You like to read?!?
MATILDA: Yes. I love to read.
HONEY: What do you like to read?
MATILDA: Everything. But lately, I've been reading Darles Chickens. …. (all the children giggle) I mean Charles Dickens. I could read him every day.
HONEY: So could I. All right, everyone. Take out your workbooks. Let's start with section three writing assignment.
SCENE 4: THE CAKE
Trunchbull: Bruce Bogtrotter. Would little Brucey come up here, please?
Lavender: He lives on my road
Trunchbull: Bruce Bogtrotter, is a thief. You're a criminal, aren't you?
Bruce: I don't know what you're talking about.
Trunchbull: Cake. Chocolate cake. You went into the school kitchen and ate my snack! CONFESS!
Bruce: Well, it's hard for me to remember a specific cake.
Trunchbull: This one was mine, and it was the best cake in the entire world.
Bruce: My mom's is better.
Trunchbull: Is it? How can you be sure unless you have another piece?
(Cook enters with cake)
Trunchbull: Sit down. Eat it!
Bruce: I don't want any, thank you.
Trunchbull: EAT IT!!!!
Lavender: Don't eat it.
Amanda: She wouldn't give him cake.
Samantha: It's poison.
(Bruce eats the cake)
Trunchbull: You look like you enjoyed that, Brucey. Have some more.
Bruce: No, thank you.
Trunchbull: You'll hurt cook's feelings. She made this cake just for you to have on your own. Her sweat and blood went into this cake, and you will not leave until you have eaten the entire cake.
Cookie: The entire cake. See ya at lunch. Rotten kids. (walks away)
Trunchbull: Thank you Cookie. You wanted cake, you got cake. Now eat it!
(The children gasp.)
Lavender: Poor Brucey.
Amanda: He's going to puke. I can't look.
Samantha: Is he going to puke?
Matilda: Absolutely.
Samantha: 😴
Lavender: Bruce looks real bad.
Trunchbull: Give up?
Matilda: You can do it, Brucey.
Amanda: Yeah. You can do it, Bruce.
Matilda, Lavender, Amanda: Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce!
Trunchbull: SILENCE!!! SILENCE!!! SILENCE!!!! Everyone will stay five hours after school and copy from the dictionary. Any children who object will go straight into the chokey.
SCENE 5: THE NEWT
Lavender: Miss Honey!
Miss Honey: Miss Trunchbull teaches our class today. Lavender, please get a water jug.
Lavender: But, Miss Honey!!!!
Miss Honey: Quickly. She'll be here any second. Make sure the water's cold, Lavender.
(Lavender pours the glass with the newt into the water jug)
Miss Honey: Hortensia, cover the fish. Put away the art projects. Put away anything colourful. Hortensia, hide those crayons.
(Hortensia puts the crayons in her pocket)
Samantha: Most great ideas come from hard work and careful planning.
Amanda: Occasionally, they just jump out at you.
Miss Honey: Hortensia. Cover the birds and the beetles. Hurry! Hurry! I hear her coming! Okay now, don't speak unless you're spoken to. Don't laugh. Don't smile. Don't breathe loudly.
Trunchbull: Don't breathe at all.
Miss Honey: Good morning, Miss Trunchbull.
Students: Good morning, Miss Trunchbull.
Trunchbull: SIT!!!! I have never understood why children are so disgusting. A perfect school is one where there are no children... at all. (laughs)
Do you agree, Miss Honey?
(Miss Honey nods yes)
Trunchbull: (To Hortensia) Empty your pockets!
(Hortensia in shock stands still)
Trunchbull: Next time I tell you to empty your pockets, you'll do it faster, won't you?
Hortensia: Yes, Miss Trunchbull.
Trunchbull: (Pointing at Amanda) Can you spell?
Amanda: Miss Honey taught us how to spell a long word yesterday. We can spell "difficulty".
Trunchbull: You couldn't spell 'difficulty' if your life depended on it.
Samantha: She taught us with a poem.
Trunchbull: A poem. How sweet. What poem would that be?
Students: Mrs. D. Mrs. I. Mrs. F - F - I. Mrs. C. Mrs. U. Mrs. L - T - Y.
Trunchbull: Why are all these women married? Mrs. D? Mrs. I? You're supposed to be teaching spelling, not poetry.
(Trunchbull drinks from the water jug which has the newt in it, the students laugh)
Trunchbull: What's funny? Come on. Spit it out. I like a joke.
(She looks down and sees the newt. The children laugh.)
Trunchbull: It's a snake! It's a snake! It's a snake! One of you tried to poison me! Who? Oh, Matilda. I knew it.
Matilda: I just thought you'd like to know, it's not a snake. It's a newt.
Trunchbull: What did you say?!?
Matilda: It's a newt, Miss Trunchbull.
Trunchbull: Stand up, you sack of goat slime! You did this!
Matilda: No, Miss Trunchbull.
Trunchbull: Did you act alone, or with others?
Matilda: I didn't do it.
Trunchbull: I'll pay you back, young lady!
Matilda: For what, Miss Trunchbull?
Trunchbull: FOR THIS NEWT!!
Matilda: I didn't do it.
Trunchbull: Even if you didn't do it, I'm going to punish you because I'm big and you're small. I'm right, and you're wrong. There's nothing you can do about it. You're a liar! I'm never wrong! In this classroom, in this school, I AM GOD!!!!
(Splash! The glass tips over and the newt lands on Trunchbull. She panics trying to shake it off. Everyone in the class laughs.)
Trunchbull: You!!!!
Matilda: I didn't move!
Trunchbull: You did this!
Miss Honey: How could she possibly have done it when she was sitting over here?
Trunchbull: I'll be watching you. All of you and especially you! (Points at Matilda)
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